I is for Injury

I is also for "It's All You," and "It's Not Our Fault."



The sticker reads:

"Be advised: That [Manufacturer] Co., Inc. does NOT carry product liability insurance. Be advised: That the use of this piece of equipment may result in physical - mental - and/or monetary harm. DANGER use at your own risk DANGER. After equipment leaves our property we no longer have or accept control of its destiny or use. [Manufacturer] Co., Inc. will not be responsible for harm or loss to persons or property from any cause outside our manufacturing facility."

Oh, warning sticker, how do I love thee. Let me count the ways!!

1. I stand in front of you for hours every day at work. You are attached to the machine I use so much, so well. To the machine, I often whisper things like, "I strive to know intimately your mechanisms, your quirks, your predilections, as though we were about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. It's you and me against the world, baby!"

2. You warn of such harrowing things as mental and monetary harm. So few pieces of equipment think so well of themselves as to warn their users of harm beyond mere physical damage. If only boyfriends and roommates carried such warnings, I would be so much happier (though much less wise).

3. You employ the word "destiny"! What warning sticker ever refers to abstract concepts like "destiny"? I'm sure there's some drab legal definition that explains why this little yellow sticker would want to broach such a philosophical subject; I don't want to hear it. When I look at this sticker, and see the words "destiny" and "mental harm" I think of well-loved books and movies and, well, ex-boyfriends.

This is no mere warning sticker. This sticker is a jumping-off point for an elaborate, unbelievable legend, the kind that is spoken of in hushed and solemn tones. Also, today, for the first time in my employ at this company, we found out what would happen if you pushed this machine to its limit (a thing I have come close to doing so many times) and kids, it ain't pretty. And I quote, "What is that bizarre sound?" and all heads turn towards the Z-lipht.